You didn’t ask for cancer.
It isn’t your fault.
You are not ashamed.
You are a warrior.
You are brave.
You are stronger than you thought.
You are beautiful.
It is hot and sunny in today and I am sort of glad my head is nice and cool.
Surgery is tomorrow. I’m on a rollercoaster of emotion but will be honest I am ready. This is just the next step. It’s crap that it’s happening at all. Cancer sucks quite a lot. But life is worth fighting for. Do what it takes to live and survive.
I decided I needed a day of distraction. I spent the whole day wandering around our local town drinking coffee, catching Pokemon and generally just trying to not think too hard about Cancer and the whole big subject. Sometimes it is very strange that you just forget that it is a big subject. It has become your new normal. It has become what you live. It never goes away and you think about it a lot but it can’t become all that you think about or are. You are more than Cancer. You are stronger than Cancer. It is just a thing you have to deal with you. It really is like a monkey sitting on your back. For now you have to live with it so you may as well learn to live strong. To still be you despite the monkey. I am still me. I can still laugh. I still have a sense of humour and a love for life. I still love all the things I used to love only now I appreciate some of them more because I appreciate everything more. I appreciate how lucky I am to have the life I have got. I realise the truth in the saying “be grateful for what you have, not sorry for what you don’t”.
So I spent the day being grateful to live in a really beautiful if sleepy rural town. I spent the day being grateful of small town tea shops where you can have eggs on toast at 11am. I was grateful of sunshine and mobile phones so when my Mum called to see where I was I could tell her so she could join me for a late lunch and an hour of pokemon hunting.
I am grateful and feeling happy that I made it through the first stage of treatment. The chemo was aggressive and it was tough but I made it. And it worked. It did it’s job which made all the sick worth it. There was a lot of sick so to say I am happy it’s over & was worth it seems an understatement.
Surgery is the next step. I can do this too. It doesn’t mean I’m not a little afraid or that I have to feel happy about going through it. I’m not entirely happy about having cancer but that doesn’t mean I’m not fighting, kicking arse and doing it as positively as possible.
If the truth was told I am petrified of the surgery. I am likely to cry and have no idea how I will sleep tonight if at all. I will give myself a pep talk though. I will tell myself to be brave even if I am scared. I will tell myself to get the big girl pants on and face what is coming.
Thankfully I have a great support network. I have learnt this year just how great that network is. I am not alone in this journey. Yes I have to do a lot of it on my own which is very lonely at times but I have this great network of people behind me supporting me.
I am grateful to the friend who has booked the week off work and is driving across the country to spend the week with me. That is a friend who really is amazing. A friend who knew I wouldn’t ask anyone to do that for me but that I would probably need someone there. A friend who didn’t wait to be asked. Who didn’t mind using up her holiday days to be with me at a time of need. Those are the sorts of friends who you truly know are a blessing to have. A really true friend. Who hasn’t come to cry with me or feed the monkey. Who probably will simply watch a movie with me, make me laugh and really help me find my strength at a tough time. Really the best of friends are friends who help you to shine. Usually that’s my job but this year I realise I have been the one who has needed the energy and boost from other people.
So here’s to the next step.
I am brave.
I am bold.
I am a warrior.