Feel the fear & put on your superhero cape

Had meeting with Oncology Consultant Yesterday.

Actually it was good news. Things are going well with the chemo which is good but for a brief moment that news and the relief just made the tears flood out. 

It’s mad how sometimes it just hits you like this. Sometimes it is when you least expect it. It only lasted about 5 minutes as I walked back to my car but by the time I got there I was sobbing with tears streaming down my face. I had to stand and breathe deeply for a minute just to gather myself. Every day of this battle has taken energy. It’s taken effort. It’s not always been easy. I’ve been really more ill than expected and knowing it’s working is such a massive relief. It makes all that effort so worth it.

It makes all the sick, the trips to hospital, the dioreah, the sleepless days and nights, all the shitty crappy symptoms worth it when you hear that it’s working. Chemotherapy treatment is not fun. I call it a necessary evil. It takes your body to the brink of destruction on purpose. It has mad weird effects on your body. But the main thing is that it kills the evil that is Cancer and it’s definitely doing that for me so as much as I hate it I am grateful too. It will help to save my life.

I also had confirmation there will definitely be radiotherapy and chemo after surgery. That sucks. I had thought there might be but hadn’t had confirmation. I’m ok with it but maybe hearing it also knocked me a little. There’s something about getting that confirmation from the doctor that makes it very real.

It was confirmation that this cycle of chemo has just been the start of the journey and there’s more to come. It’s a longer journey than I perhaps thought at the start. That reality sank in yesterday and yeah it took a while to just get my head into that.

I don’t know why I cried. No idea where the tears came from but they suddenly tumbled out and made me stop as I couldn’t walk or breathe. Emotion gets you like that doesn’t it. For me it was a mix of relief at knowing the fight has been worth it but also knowing it’s far from over and I have to keep the fight up for a while yet.

But Today the emotion is fight mode. Today I put my superhero pose on and lifted my head up ready to face the enemy. Cancer you will be defeated!!

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