So despite confounding everyone with a minute of mute video those that did watch on to hear the news and those that saw my subsequent post will know that I am still reeling from the news that whilst treatment isn’t over my body they believe is cancer free. I am officially in remission.
Its an odd experience and feeling in so many ways.
In reality I had cancer in my body before I knew I did. After diagnosis it takes a while to get your head around the invading cells in your body that have been growing all unknown trying to silently kill you.
Then you get diagnosed and they can treat you. Treatment is personalised and different for every one but it’s still invasive often mutilating often making you more ill than you felt before even though you already had cancer killing you. The treatment is often what really makes you feel ill.
Then they say ok we reckon we have killed the cancer. It’s the best news ever but you still feel rubbish. You’ve had months of hell. Moments where you didn’t think you would make it. Been more ill than you could ever imagine being to the point of immobilised with pain and sickness and then they start cutting bits of you away.
Now you don’t have the silent killer any more but you still have to feel ill because treatment isn’t quite over. It’s actually a really good thing and you are overwhelmingly excited to not be dancing with death anymore but really just want to feel better – like now !
It’s brutal and you are still recovering and may for a long while yet and you feel so happy and amazed because you won. It isn’t killing you anymore. You beat it ! Well ok you and a team of highly experienced and trained medical professionals lol.
Now it’s time to rejoice. But not too much because you just had major surgery and don’t want to bust a stitch. Which btw hurt.
Now it’s time to recover. To finish treatment. To watch the hair and nails grow back. To watch your body get it’s strength and fitness back. To recover from the mental strain of the previous months. A mental feat of endurance took place while a physical one did. That may take longer to deal with.
I was fortunate. I went in as someone who already has a naturally positive attitude and I lit a fire under that. I fought to maintain that every day and it drained me almost as much as the physical battle did. I held at arms length anyone or anything that could possibly bring any negativity in because those dark thoughts and feelings are there all too ready to grab hold anyway. You kick those back down every minute of the day. I handled and felt enough of those and gave them their moment because that’s a normal part of life but I didn’t let them take root.
I think I did well. I laughed tons. Found the energy to still love life and am so pleased to tell death to take a hike. I have a lot more living to do and not one minute to waste. From here on in I will face each day as a new challenge and face each challenge as something else to best. Sadness is part of life so are all those other negative feelings and you don’t know what challenges life will throw at you but you can choose not to let those things beat you.
Life isn’t supposed to be easy. Life isn’t supposed to be without challenge. The test of life is the journey. How will you deal with what life hands you. To me that’s about finding the motivation to live life as positively and strongly as possible. If something isn’t good find a way to make it better. We can’t always do that alone, that’s what family are for. ( friends are just the family we choose for ourselves). But only you can be the one to make the choice. Choose well.
Win at life.