Ok so I was more seriously ill than I realised.

I have faded in and out of consciousness this week. I have slept a lot and my thoughts are jumbled and mad. I was Alice falling down the rabbit hole, spinning and spinning. I was a Jedi with power to float outside my body – which is a bit strange & worrying. My mind is jumbled and my body weak.

I have to have help going to the toilet and keep throwing up. This lovely doctor came and sat and held my hand as I cried that I wanted to go home. You have been really ill he told me. Your neutropenic levels crashed which basically means I had no immune system and reacted with my body attacking itself. Sepsis is pretty serious. They have had to blast me with a ton of antiobiotics. Keeping my thoughts straight is quite hard.

If you are wondering how I manage to write while my head is bubbled. Good question. I am definitely a techie geek. Attached to my phone & the app I am using to keep notes. Which I can also dictate too. Very clever.

pause – I fell asleep – sort of. Passed out, whatever !

I am struggling to keep my mind going though – there was an hours gap in there so it is time to turn in and try to get some sleep.Today was a spinny sort of day.

Lots of positives mind you despite body still defying my mind control and being weak and ill. The smiley photos are getting harder to keep up. There has been a lot of crying today. I know why I take them. I am doing it to convince myself as much as anyone else that I am ok. But sometimes it is just too darn hard. If this is what Chemo is going to be like then no wonder you see people on Tv & movies looking like death warmed up. I was pretty sure I was dying this morning & I can tell you now that felt pretty scary. So no selfies today.

I had no clue going into this what it would be like but I had hoped I wouldn’t have to be admitted into hospital. The staff have all looked a bit worried around me this week, I keep trying not to notice that. I will also admit that I thought I would find all the cooing and back patting from the nurses really annoying.

When one of them was picking me up off the bathroom floor this afternoon and another clearing up my mess while yet another fetched fresh bed sheets and settled me into bed stroking my back I did not find it annoying at all. I just cried like a baby and then fell asleep. Pretty sure they keep pumping me full of drugs to make me sleep !! No wonder I feel like I am spinning.

Had lots of visitors though & have new Pj’s. Both these things were fabulous though I have no clue how coherent I was as my brain can hardly string a thought together and I am so sleepy and spinny. An amazing friend surprised me with fruit & smelly things and best of all my mum popped in. That was great as I got to get an update on my babies. The fact that my kids are happy at Grandma’s while I get sorted out is a massive worry I don’t have on my mind. I can relax knowing they are absolutely fine. It’s no mean feat to look after two kids and usually they only stay at my parents for the odd night on a weekend. It’s not the same as every day school runs, dinner, bedtime etc and truthfully it would be so much harder to sort something if my parents were not able to help out so I’m very grateful to them for that.

Mum also brought the supplies that my brother & a girl from work had kindly sorted for me so I’m now comfy in new big girl pants and bright cheerful pj’s! I was getting kinda stinky.

I also now have earplugs for tonight !! Hopefully a bit more sleep for me. Sleep is a great healing power.